How to Fuck Up Like a Boss

My candle burns at both ends;
   It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
   It gives a lovely light!

~ “First Fig” – Edna St. Vincent Millay

You’re thinking up your next move. Your pieces are in what might be the best possible positions for the situation. You can check mate the opponent in not just one, but several ways. You have it all figured out. You’re going to win this. There’s nothing he can do. You make a move… Turns out the move you made was the one move that allowed the opponent to check mate you with the four pieces he had left in the game. The one sole move that could have converted your victory to defeat. And, out of all the possible moves you could have made, you just had to make that one move.

Has something like that ever happened to you? I’m not just talking about chess (if you thought I was just talking about chess, congratulations, you’re almost as stupid as I am. Look up the term ‘analogy’), has this ever happened to  you in any aspect of your life? At School? At College? In Grad School? Academia? Industry? Marriage? Weekly shopping? Chicken breeding? While banging your head on the wall after watching three hundred and five episodes of Dragon Ball Z in a row? If not, you seem to be living a perfect life. Good for you… (I hope you die).

If this has happened to you, however, you (like me) seem to be an apprentice in the art of royally fucking up. Yes, it’s an art. No normal person can ever fuck up this bad. Fucking up this bad requires genius of the highest order. The thing is, almost anyone can fuck up when one’s already in the worst possible circumstances. But being at the very top of things and then managing to fuck up so ingeniously that you fall right to the very bottom of the darkest most worthless pit requires a prodigious amount of intelligence. Since I’ve been doing this effortlessly for years, I consider myself a pro and am laying out a few easy guidelines for noobs who are looking to follow my footsteps in the sacred art of fucking up like a boss.

Be Annoying

And I mean ANNOYING! Especially to those in authority. Disagree with everything anyone in authority says. Publicly make fun of them. Claim they’re barely qualified and you know more than them. Be especially annoying to the people who handle your financial transactions (pay-checks etc.). Make sure you give them ample reasons to never offer you a raise… then demand a raise…. then claim they’re not giving you a raise because they feel threatened by your talents. If you’re at a college, annoy the instructors. If you’re at a grad school, annoy the supervisors. If you aren’t married, annoy your mom. If you are married, annoy your wife and your mom.  If you’re in industry, annoy your boss. If you’re in academia, annoy your students. If you’re playing a two-player video game, annoy the person playing against you by repeatedly claiming he’s using cheat codes. If you’re playing cricket, annoy the entire team by never accepting the fact that you got out and repeatedly demanding to have another go with the bat.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. ~ Mark Twain

Be Obnoxious

Convince yourself that you are the smartest, most accomplished person alive. Anyone who disagrees is secretly envious of you. You are always right, and by that I mean ALWAYS right. Even if you’re wrong, you’re actually right and the other person just misunderstood you. The largest possible compromise you’re willing to take is accepting that your adversary was right too (as in, you both were right. But, of course, you were more right). Also, you know everything. The facts you quote are always correct. The internet is wrong. Encyclopedias are wrong. Published research papers in prestigious peer-reviewed journals are wrong. Established scientific theories are wrong. Proven mathematical theorems are wrong. You are right, and that’s all that matters.

Be Overconfident

Super-hard test? Screw that! You’re smart! IQ above 3 million! (actual IQ tests claim your IQ is actually below average, but everyone knows they’re incredibly inaccurate, right?). You’ll probably ace it without studying, let’s spend some time showing off how smart you are to less intelligent mortals. What? You failed in the exam? The instructor is probably retarded. Never-mind, you’ll still ace the finals. You’re the smartest person on Earth, after all!

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