DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON – The Minister for Magic revealed yesterday that the wizarding world was facing unheard levels of obesity. Over a third of the wizarding population in the country was now obese, twice the percentage at the time when the Chosen One, Harry James Potter defeated the Dark Lord in 1998. Aries Derwent, a specialist healer at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, claims the increase is due to lack of engagement in sports and other activities requiring physical exertion. “Take quidditch for example,” she told the press, “all you do is sit on a broomstick. No running, no jumping. Then people wonder why they’re getting fat.”
The Ministry has funded several prodigiously talented wizards to devise a way of brewing a potion that can fix the malady. Meanwhile, all wizards and witches are advised to learn and involve themselves occasionally in Muggle sports including a game called ‘football’ which consists of hitting a (not cursed, charmed or otherwise magically made more fun) circular object with one’s foot and then running after it (without the aid of any spells or other magical devices).