Onion-Influenced

Snape-Haters Burn Down Rickman Residence

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Hostile mob of Snape-haters approaching Rickman’s property in Hammersmith

HAMMERSMITH, LONDON – The house of British actor Alan Rickman, known for portraying Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, was heavily damaged and then set on fire on Monday by an angry mob of Snape-haters. Sources report the mob was not content with hyper-actively expressing its hatred, loathing and disgust for the fictional character on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit and all other popular social media websites on the internet and had come to the conclusion that more decisive action was needed to get rid of the late fictional greasy-haired devil and his non-fictional supporters.

“We are tired of sending violent threats to Snape advocates over the internet”, stated an unnamed member of the mob, “It is high time we make our threats a reality so Snape and his cronies know we mean business!” Another snape-hater, upon being interviewed by our correspondents, merely hissed loudly and whispered “Snape must die, as was ordained by our holy book.” Yet another angry mob-member threatened to torch our correspondents after yelling, “You are either with us or against us!”

Snape-haters have strong faith that it is their divine duty to kill all fans and non-haters of Severus Snape, who they believe to be the devil-incarnate and the epitome of malice. Rickman, after ensuring his family was out of harm’s way, made a statement claiming he deeply regretted playing the despised character and apologized for causing offense to members of the Snape-hating faith. He further went on to say that he was not a big fan of Snape himself and hence would deeply appreciate it if his residence was not damaged and attacked again.

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Wizarding World in Obesity Crisis

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Obesity a major problem, says the Minister for Magic.

DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON – The Minister for Magic revealed yesterday that the wizarding world was facing unheard levels of obesity. Over a third of the wizarding population in the country was now obese, twice the percentage at the time when the Chosen One, Harry James Potter defeated the Dark Lord in 1998. Aries Derwent, a specialist healer at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, claims the increase is due to lack of engagement in sports and other activities requiring physical exertion. “Take quidditch for example,” she told the press, “all you do is sit on a broomstick. No running, no jumping. Then people wonder why they’re getting fat.”

The Ministry has funded several prodigiously talented wizards to devise a way of brewing a potion that can fix the malady. Meanwhile, all wizards and witches are advised to learn and involve themselves occasionally in Muggle sports including a game called ‘football’ which consists of hitting a (not cursed, charmed or otherwise magically made more fun) circular object with one’s foot and then running after it (without the aid of any spells or other magical devices).