HAMMERSMITH, LONDON – The house of British actor Alan Rickman, known for portraying Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, was heavily damaged and then set on fire on Monday by an angry mob of Snape-haters. Sources report the mob was not content with hyper-actively expressing its hatred, loathing and disgust for the fictional character on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit and all other popular social media websites on the internet and had come to the conclusion that more decisive action was needed to get rid of the late fictional greasy-haired devil and his non-fictional supporters.
“We are tired of sending violent threats to Snape advocates over the internet”, stated an unnamed member of the mob, “It is high time we make our threats a reality so Snape and his cronies know we mean business!” Another snape-hater, upon being interviewed by our correspondents, merely hissed loudly and whispered “Snape must die, as was ordained by our holy book.” Yet another angry mob-member threatened to torch our correspondents after yelling, “You are either with us or against us!”
Snape-haters have strong faith that it is their divine duty to kill all fans and non-haters of Severus Snape, who they believe to be the devil-incarnate and the epitome of malice. Rickman, after ensuring his family was out of harm’s way, made a statement claiming he deeply regretted playing the despised character and apologized for causing offense to members of the Snape-hating faith. He further went on to say that he was not a big fan of Snape himself and hence would deeply appreciate it if his residence was not damaged and attacked again.