funny

George Carlin on Issues

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I may not completely agree with everything he says, but I love George Carlin. He’s hilarious and spot-on. He also has a knack of making excellent arguments brilliantly while being drop-dead hilarious at the same time, which is why he has had a lot of influence on my own opinions. For my own benefit as much as anyone else’s, here is a compilation of his comic take on various issues.

George Carlin on chickens (yay!):

George Carlin on what to do with the male chauvinists:

George Carlin on voting:

George Carlin on war:

George Carlin on questioning things:

George Carlin on abortion:

 

 

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Wizarding World in Obesity Crisis

fat potter

Obesity a major problem, says the Minister for Magic.

DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON – The Minister for Magic revealed yesterday that the wizarding world was facing unheard levels of obesity. Over a third of the wizarding population in the country was now obese, twice the percentage at the time when the Chosen One, Harry James Potter defeated the Dark Lord in 1998. Aries Derwent, a specialist healer at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, claims the increase is due to lack of engagement in sports and other activities requiring physical exertion. “Take quidditch for example,” she told the press, “all you do is sit on a broomstick. No running, no jumping. Then people wonder why they’re getting fat.”

The Ministry has funded several prodigiously talented wizards to devise a way of brewing a potion that can fix the malady. Meanwhile, all wizards and witches are advised to learn and involve themselves occasionally in Muggle sports including a game called ‘football’ which consists of hitting a (not cursed, charmed or otherwise magically made more fun) circular object with one’s foot and then running after it (without the aid of any spells or other magical devices).

How to Win an Internet Argument

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Credits: XKCD [ http://xkcd.com/386/ ]

Choose the Right Viewpoint

Before taking part in an online argument, it is wise to carefully choose a viewpoint that is the most widely believed and hence will get you the most public support. Knowing which viewpoint is supported by the majority of the population is easy: just pick the one that is stupidest, requires the least amount of intelligence, is supported by the most politicians and has the least amount of evidence to back it up. An argument with all of these qualities is guaranteed to be the one with the most public support.

Wrong: Climate Change is a major challenge for our species and we need to use all our combined intellect and resources to avert this catastrophe and leave a better world for future generations.

Right: Climate Change is false propaganda by those pesky liberals.

Awesome: Climate Change is a conspiracy by the Illuminati so they can control the world and impose evil things like science and education on the innocent population.

Use Incorrect Grammar

Whatever you do, don’t write a single sentence that is actually comprehensible.  Using correct grammar or language that suggests you were privileged enough to receive even the most minimal amount of education  is suicide in the world of online arguments. It is also extremely crucial that you misspell all words that are more than three letters long.

Wrong: I am sorry sir, but you seem to be exceedingly ignorant and uninformed of the issue at hand.

Right: Die u stupid imbaceele!

Awesome: Fak u fegit, K? U bez stoopid. Plz dying now.

Credits: XKCD [ http://xkcd.com/1081/ ]

Take Ad Hominem to the Next Level

Whoever said nonsense like, “Attack the idea, not the person“, was clearly an Indian agent trying to spread false propaganda. To win an internet argument you must never ever ever pay attention to the your opponent’s ideas, logic or evidence. The best thing to do is to disregard everything he has to say and keep hurling insults at him, his parents and (only for professionals) his ancestry, race and language.

Preposterously Wrong: I agree with most of your evidence however you must remember that correlation does not imply causation in all cases, and hence the conclusions you draw may be unjustified.

Wrong: Your argument is invalid.

Right: Damn u aNd ur grAndMa. U <insert race> morons r <insert unfriendly country> agents trys 2 destroying my contry. Pplz like u shud B deadened and hanging. Stoopid treitor pPlz.

The Capslock is Your Friend

You may sometimes run into a problem if your assertion is not convincing enough. Some people make the mistake of mentioning objective evidence and logic to support their claim. That’s stupid, don’t do that. The best technique to work your way out of this situation is to  just keep repeating your assertion in an exceedingly aggressive and illiterate-sounding tone. Turning on the caps-lock and SHOUTING EVERYTHING IN CAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  is strongly recommended.

And that’s that. I’m sure with these simple, easily implementable techniques you will never lose an internet argument again.

The Awesomeness of Mark Twain

Mark Twain was one of the most awesome, hilarious, ingenious and original people in modern history. I’ll discuss a few of his funniest or most favourable aspects.

Originality

One of the things I like about Mark Twain is his originality. He didn’t bow to popular belief or peer pressure and change his opinions accordingly. His opinions were his alone. As an example, read his comments on Da Vinci’s the Mona Lisa…

To me it was merely a serene and subdued face, and there an end. There might be more in it, but I could not find it. The complexion was bad; in fact, it was not even human; there are no people that color.

At the start of the novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, he wrote:

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

I don’t understand the motive behind this statement, but I’m guessing this was actually a challenge to attempt all the things he warned not to do.

Premature Obituary

On June 1, 1897, the New York Herald, a widely read and popular daily American newspaper wrote an article in which it stated that Mark Twain was on the verge of death and that his thinking facilities had already been completely compromised. Ironically, Mark Twain was alive and well at the time. In fact, it was Mark Twain’s cousin J.R Clemens who was severely ill and had probably been the cause of the New York Herald‘s mistake. In an article titled “Mark Twain Amused” published the very next day in another newspaper, the Journal, Mark Twain made history by writing this ingenious comedic masterpiece:

“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

This statement has been misquoted in many ways but, in my opinion, the original is still the funniest and most befitting.

 

Hatred for Jane Austen

One of the aspects of Mark Twain I like the most was his hatred for Jane Austen and the hilarious way in which he expressed it. Here are a few of his quotes that illustrate how much he detested Jane Austen and her works:

“Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book.”

“Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her [Jane Austen] up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

“She makes me detest all her people, without reserve. Is that her intention? It is not believable. Then is it her purpose to make the reader detest her people up to the middle of the book and like them in the rest of the chapters? That could be. That would be high art. It would be worth while, too. Some day I will examine the other end of her books and see.”

Perhaps it’s because I, too, share his prejudice towards Jane Austenish literature, but I find his statements to be humorous.

Interest in Science

Yes. Mark Twain was interested in science too. As I mentioned in a previous post, Mark Twain was a close friend of Nikola Tesla. Mark Twain also patented three inventions including the Elastic-Clasp Brassiere Strap which is used nowadays in women’s bras. In addition, Mark Twain also wrote one of the first novels related to time travel called A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Here is a letter Mark Twain wrote to Nikola Tesla. I’m dead serious…

Letter Mark Twain Tesla

 

This is beside the point but to be frank, I don’t think Tesla ever invented a “destructive terror” but still, he invented lots of other great things that have shaped the modern world.

Examination Stereotypes

Exams have a weird effect on people. They affect different people differently. Let’s look at some examination stereotypes.

The Predators

The Evil Teacher

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Some teachers just love to make the lives of their pupils miserable. Their torture increases exponentially during the exams. When they make the exam they try their best to use the obscurest terms and the weirdest grammar known to the English language. Even if you know the answer, you spend hours simply trying to decipher the different levels of meaning hidden in the question, until you develop schizophrenia and start believing the modern education system was developed by the Illuminati to torture the new generation and force them to yield. Here’s an example.

What the teacher is really asking:

What is Newton’s second law?

The question she writes in the exam:

State the sacred arrangement of words and symbols that is widely believed to be the second testament of the Enlightened One who was hit arbitrarily by a scarlet apple in the days of yore.

The scope of her exam too, leads one to suspect the involvement of sinister forces…

What she teaches: 2x + 4 = 5

What she gives in the exam:

standard_model

The Conniving Head-mistress

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Armed with her evil grin and her time-table organizing capabilities, she is a force to be reckoned with. She excels in the art of making the worst possible exam schedule in order to ensure a sleepless night for her students. I can imagine her though process…

Hmm.. Let’s see. I have eight subjects and two weeks. I can of course give two holidays before each science subject and one holiday before each arts subject to give the students ample time for preparations and revision. But that’s too main-stream. Let’s spice things up a little. Why don’t I give 4 holidays before English Language, an exam that doesn’t need any revision at all, while give no holiday for Physics? That would be fun. Better still, why don’t I schedule the Maths and Physics exams on the very same day? Hmm… that is pure genius. Muhahahahaha!

The Macho Invigilator

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These people are nightmares. Their purpose in life is to cancel papers. A slight whisper, and they come running at you and write a huge “Cancelled. Cheated.” on your exam sheet. If they can’t find a culprit, they just select some random person sitting nearby, invent something up, claim to have seen him cheating and cancel his paper. I think they have a secret competition or something. The invigilator who cancels the most papers in a single exam session wins.

The Parasites

The Nervous (Lazy) Guy

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These are usually the people who cared least about their academic standing during regular school days. Some of them suddenly get this exam-phobia that totally makes them go bananas. They will begin irritating their class-mates by asking them to explain stuff which they did not understand (or even listen to) earlier because they were too busy cussing each other and being a general nuisance in regular classes. They don’t actually study either, their nervousness and concern is only limited to the class where they can use it to annoy people in the vicinity.

The New ‘Best-Friend’

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These are the people who, in normal school-days, are extremely rude to you. They make fun of you constantly, make racist remarks and annoy you in class. However, suddenly, a day or two before the exams their behaviour alters drastically. They start sitting beside you, start back-biting about other people in front of you to instill a sense of alliance or something, start hanging out with you in the school break and stuff. Then half an hour before the exam they’ll say something like this in a half-conversational, half-threatening tone, “Why of course you’ll help me out in the exams won’t you? Just tilt your sheet a little when I whisper the question I want to see. You’re my best-friend…”.

The Prey

The ‘Don’t Care, Didn’t Study’ Guy

NERD

These people spend all night studying hard for the exam. They have every concept and equation on their fingertips, but yet act as if they don’t know a thing. When people come and ask them stuff, they act stupid. But somehow they always manage to get surprisingly good marks. I always wondered why they act stupid. Perhaps they do this to protect themselves from being victimised by the New ‘Best-Friend’ and the Nervous (Lazy) guys.

The Evil Nerds

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These guys are evil. Evil, I tell you! The teacher gave something out of syllabus in the exams? “No problem, Miss. We know it.” Speak for yourself, dammit! The teacher forgot to take the test today? “Miss, today was the test…”. Curse you! The teacher forgot to give the homework? “Miss, what is the homework?” You son of a …! The teacher is absent? “Let’s go to the principal and demand a substitute teacher.” Kill yourself.

People Like Me

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These guys are complete punch-bags. They are moderately affected by the examinations. They get victimised by the parasites. They get bullied by the predators. And all they can do about it is write ambiguous blog posts.