humour

George Carlin on Issues

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I may not completely agree with everything he says, but I love George Carlin. He’s hilarious and spot-on. He also has a knack of making excellent arguments brilliantly while being drop-dead hilarious at the same time, which is why he has had a lot of influence on my own opinions. For my own benefit as much as anyone else’s, here is a compilation of his comic take on various issues.

George Carlin on chickens (yay!):

George Carlin on what to do with the male chauvinists:

George Carlin on voting:

George Carlin on war:

George Carlin on questioning things:

George Carlin on abortion:

 

 

Snape-Haters Burn Down Rickman Residence

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Hostile mob of Snape-haters approaching Rickman’s property in Hammersmith

HAMMERSMITH, LONDON – The house of British actor Alan Rickman, known for portraying Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, was heavily damaged and then set on fire on Monday by an angry mob of Snape-haters. Sources report the mob was not content with hyper-actively expressing its hatred, loathing and disgust for the fictional character on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit and all other popular social media websites on the internet and had come to the conclusion that more decisive action was needed to get rid of the late fictional greasy-haired devil and his non-fictional supporters.

“We are tired of sending violent threats to Snape advocates over the internet”, stated an unnamed member of the mob, “It is high time we make our threats a reality so Snape and his cronies know we mean business!” Another snape-hater, upon being interviewed by our correspondents, merely hissed loudly and whispered “Snape must die, as was ordained by our holy book.” Yet another angry mob-member threatened to torch our correspondents after yelling, “You are either with us or against us!”

Snape-haters have strong faith that it is their divine duty to kill all fans and non-haters of Severus Snape, who they believe to be the devil-incarnate and the epitome of malice. Rickman, after ensuring his family was out of harm’s way, made a statement claiming he deeply regretted playing the despised character and apologized for causing offense to members of the Snape-hating faith. He further went on to say that he was not a big fan of Snape himself and hence would deeply appreciate it if his residence was not damaged and attacked again.

Wizarding World in Obesity Crisis

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Obesity a major problem, says the Minister for Magic.

DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON – The Minister for Magic revealed yesterday that the wizarding world was facing unheard levels of obesity. Over a third of the wizarding population in the country was now obese, twice the percentage at the time when the Chosen One, Harry James Potter defeated the Dark Lord in 1998. Aries Derwent, a specialist healer at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, claims the increase is due to lack of engagement in sports and other activities requiring physical exertion. “Take quidditch for example,” she told the press, “all you do is sit on a broomstick. No running, no jumping. Then people wonder why they’re getting fat.”

The Ministry has funded several prodigiously talented wizards to devise a way of brewing a potion that can fix the malady. Meanwhile, all wizards and witches are advised to learn and involve themselves occasionally in Muggle sports including a game called ‘football’ which consists of hitting a (not cursed, charmed or otherwise magically made more fun) circular object with one’s foot and then running after it (without the aid of any spells or other magical devices).

How to Win an Internet Argument

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Credits: XKCD [ http://xkcd.com/386/ ]

Choose the Right Viewpoint

Before taking part in an online argument, it is wise to carefully choose a viewpoint that is the most widely believed and hence will get you the most public support. Knowing which viewpoint is supported by the majority of the population is easy: just pick the one that is stupidest, requires the least amount of intelligence, is supported by the most politicians and has the least amount of evidence to back it up. An argument with all of these qualities is guaranteed to be the one with the most public support.

Wrong: Climate Change is a major challenge for our species and we need to use all our combined intellect and resources to avert this catastrophe and leave a better world for future generations.

Right: Climate Change is false propaganda by those pesky liberals.

Awesome: Climate Change is a conspiracy by the Illuminati so they can control the world and impose evil things like science and education on the innocent population.

Use Incorrect Grammar

Whatever you do, don’t write a single sentence that is actually comprehensible.  Using correct grammar or language that suggests you were privileged enough to receive even the most minimal amount of education  is suicide in the world of online arguments. It is also extremely crucial that you misspell all words that are more than three letters long.

Wrong: I am sorry sir, but you seem to be exceedingly ignorant and uninformed of the issue at hand.

Right: Die u stupid imbaceele!

Awesome: Fak u fegit, K? U bez stoopid. Plz dying now.

Credits: XKCD [ http://xkcd.com/1081/ ]

Take Ad Hominem to the Next Level

Whoever said nonsense like, “Attack the idea, not the person“, was clearly an Indian agent trying to spread false propaganda. To win an internet argument you must never ever ever pay attention to the your opponent’s ideas, logic or evidence. The best thing to do is to disregard everything he has to say and keep hurling insults at him, his parents and (only for professionals) his ancestry, race and language.

Preposterously Wrong: I agree with most of your evidence however you must remember that correlation does not imply causation in all cases, and hence the conclusions you draw may be unjustified.

Wrong: Your argument is invalid.

Right: Damn u aNd ur grAndMa. U <insert race> morons r <insert unfriendly country> agents trys 2 destroying my contry. Pplz like u shud B deadened and hanging. Stoopid treitor pPlz.

The Capslock is Your Friend

You may sometimes run into a problem if your assertion is not convincing enough. Some people make the mistake of mentioning objective evidence and logic to support their claim. That’s stupid, don’t do that. The best technique to work your way out of this situation is to  just keep repeating your assertion in an exceedingly aggressive and illiterate-sounding tone. Turning on the caps-lock and SHOUTING EVERYTHING IN CAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  is strongly recommended.

And that’s that. I’m sure with these simple, easily implementable techniques you will never lose an internet argument again.

An Open Letter to Chickens

Disclaimer: I am brain-damaged.

ChickenDear Chickens,

You are one of the most mysterious animals that exist on this tiny blueish speck we are obliged to call a planet. I have way too many questions and I have been wondering about them for way too long. I want answers, and I want them right now. If you fail to cooperate… well, let’s just say Chicken Biryani has always been one of my favourite dishes. I warn you, this is not an empty threat. You can go crying to PETA or wherever you want, but I will still carry out what I intend to do unless, of course, you give in to my demands. As they say, everything is fair in love and chicken curry.

My first question relates to your origins. I want you to tell me as soon as possible whether it was you that came first or whether it was the egg. Be very careful, I won’t tolerate any beating around the bush and lame word play. I want a crystal clear, single word answer. Was it you or the egg?

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Secondly, pray tell me guys… why, in the name of chicken sheesh kebabs, did you cross that bloody road? What, you’re offended by that are you? Well, mail that to someone who cares. I won’t tolerate any of that nonsensical neo-liberal propaganda you all are so deviously propagating. Stuff like, “I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.” You damn rooster-necks think you’re pretty cunning, huh? You think I don’t understand what you master plan is? You think I don’t know that you’re all in it together, do you?

That fake innocent-looking clucking of yours and that mock stupidity you show may be good enough to fool the average Joe but it isn’t nearly sleek enough to deceive me. You need to try a little harder if you’re planning to convince the thinking man. You know what else I know, but you don’t know I know? You can fly. Yeah, you think you’re made everyone fall for your stupid ‘too-fat-to-fly” act, but I know. I know you can fly, I’ve seen you do it! You just pretend to be unable to fly in order to appease your bosses down in Antarctica, isn’t that correct?

Yeah. I know the penguins are your bosses. I’ve known that for a long time. Remember that ginger cat you though was on your side? Well, she was a double agent! Muhahaha. She worked for me. She told me all about your secret rituals. How you all send secret messages early in the morning when you think all us lazy dumb humans are asleep.

All that seemingly meaningless “Cuck-oroo Coo. Cluck. Cuck-oroo Coo.” You think I didn’t notice the hidden pattern? You think I was too retarded to crack the secret encryption codes you use? Well, you thought wrong! I know all about your cunning little plan of enslaving humans.

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Your numbers have been growing, haven’t they? There are already more than 50 billion of you compared to only about 7 billion of us. On top of that, I have been told by good authority that you have already perfected the technology of light-sabers and ion-cannons. You have also figured out a way to destroy to us biologically from the inside using your secret ‘bird-flu’ project. So my last question is… why are you holding back? Why?

You can easily conquer the human race right now if you want to, so why wait? Is it, perhaps, because you’re plotting something even more evil? Or was your goal something other (and probably more sinister) than world domination from the very start? As I said earlier, I am not going to tolerate any of your false pretenses and lame excuses anymore. I want answers and I want them right now! Otherwise, you will be responsible for the consequences.

Yours carnivorously,
Muhammad “Chicken Hunter”  Tirmazi

 

The Awesomeness of Mark Twain

Mark Twain was one of the most awesome, hilarious, ingenious and original people in modern history. I’ll discuss a few of his funniest or most favourable aspects.

Originality

One of the things I like about Mark Twain is his originality. He didn’t bow to popular belief or peer pressure and change his opinions accordingly. His opinions were his alone. As an example, read his comments on Da Vinci’s the Mona Lisa…

To me it was merely a serene and subdued face, and there an end. There might be more in it, but I could not find it. The complexion was bad; in fact, it was not even human; there are no people that color.

At the start of the novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, he wrote:

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.

I don’t understand the motive behind this statement, but I’m guessing this was actually a challenge to attempt all the things he warned not to do.

Premature Obituary

On June 1, 1897, the New York Herald, a widely read and popular daily American newspaper wrote an article in which it stated that Mark Twain was on the verge of death and that his thinking facilities had already been completely compromised. Ironically, Mark Twain was alive and well at the time. In fact, it was Mark Twain’s cousin J.R Clemens who was severely ill and had probably been the cause of the New York Herald‘s mistake. In an article titled “Mark Twain Amused” published the very next day in another newspaper, the Journal, Mark Twain made history by writing this ingenious comedic masterpiece:

“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”

This statement has been misquoted in many ways but, in my opinion, the original is still the funniest and most befitting.

 

Hatred for Jane Austen

One of the aspects of Mark Twain I like the most was his hatred for Jane Austen and the hilarious way in which he expressed it. Here are a few of his quotes that illustrate how much he detested Jane Austen and her works:

“Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book.”

“Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her [Jane Austen] up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

“She makes me detest all her people, without reserve. Is that her intention? It is not believable. Then is it her purpose to make the reader detest her people up to the middle of the book and like them in the rest of the chapters? That could be. That would be high art. It would be worth while, too. Some day I will examine the other end of her books and see.”

Perhaps it’s because I, too, share his prejudice towards Jane Austenish literature, but I find his statements to be humorous.

Interest in Science

Yes. Mark Twain was interested in science too. As I mentioned in a previous post, Mark Twain was a close friend of Nikola Tesla. Mark Twain also patented three inventions including the Elastic-Clasp Brassiere Strap which is used nowadays in women’s bras. In addition, Mark Twain also wrote one of the first novels related to time travel called A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Here is a letter Mark Twain wrote to Nikola Tesla. I’m dead serious…

Letter Mark Twain Tesla

 

This is beside the point but to be frank, I don’t think Tesla ever invented a “destructive terror” but still, he invented lots of other great things that have shaped the modern world.

The Epitome of Humour

I was just browsing through youtube for videos that explain how coils are used in electro-magnetic fields, and their applications in cathode-ray oscilloscopes and hadron colliders etc. That’s when this guy appeared in one of the suggested video

this_guyThe video had an education-ish name so I opened it and braced my mind for the impact of new knowledge. What followed was the longest fit of laughter I’ve had in years. To be fair, I did learn a lot of stuff. But in spite of the fact that his videos are intended to be educational, they are irresistibly, uncontrollably, mindbogglingly hilarious!

He is like the electrical engineering version of Coyote from Loony Tunes’ “Road Runner”). He teaches you what not to do while handling circuits, by doing it himself!

From what I’ve found out from his youtube channel, the guy’s name is Mehdi Sadaghdar and he is from Canada. From his videos, I’m guessing he is an electrical or electronic engineer. He only has about seven videos, and yet has over twenty thousand subscribers and over two million views. This is quite prodigious.

This, in my opinion,  is his funniest video to date:

The Destroyer

Never did I think a two-year old could cause such tremors of fear, such shudders of horror, such gasps of terror. Then my brother came along. Some call him “Bhaloo”, to some he is known as “The Boxer”, others simply refer to him as “That Man”. I call him “The Destroyer” (dramatic music). Some support him, some oppose him, some defend him, some resent him, all fear him. Not only has he managed to instill awe and fear into the hearts of everyone in the locality, including his 17 year old elder brother; in two short years, he has also established himself as the de-facto supreme ruler of the house.

Every whim, suggestion and wish of the his royal highness must be granted under any circumstances. Every order he gives must be executed without any delay. If he wants the laptop, he gets the laptop. If he wants the cell-phone, he gets the cell-phone. If he wants to watch Diego, his elder siblings are forced to immediately abandon whatever they are watching on TV, no matter how important or crucial it may be, and switch to Nickelodeon. If he wants to watch Baby Beluga, the unfortunate individual who happens to be using the laptop at that time is forced to go to youtube and open the Baby Beluga video.

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Displays of rebellion or resentment towards his absolute and unending rule are vanquished by a torrent of unbearable wails, each of which reverberates about the room, sending its echoes around the house, deafening everyone in a twenty kilometer radius. His elder brother, the lowliest of slaves, is instantly dispatched to the grocery store and to bring a kit-kat as compensation for his majesty’s displeasure.

Although his wailing and crying skills are prodigious, Ali’s specialty is the total annihilation of all household furniture and electronics. Leave him alone in the drawing room for half an hour, and a passer-by might be led to attribute the damage caused to an earthquake or a tornado. After Ali’s done with a room, you can’t just clear up the debris yourself, you need an entire SWAT team.

Perhaps his greatest achievement is the sabotage of all electronic equipment in the house. He has single handedly broken the arrow keys of both laptops, rendering them useless. He has literally cracked the motherboard of the new laptop, resulting in major repairs just 3 months after the laptop was bought, and last but not the least, he has irreversibly ruined the touch-screen of my cell phone by dropping a glass full of water onto it.

They say size is not an estimation of power. I’ve learnt this, the hard way. 😦